


In Which Arthur Appears as a Guest on the Colbert Report

by dracoxlovesxharry



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: HGTV verse, Interviews, M/M, comedy central, referenced pornography and masterbation, sex club management, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 19:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3703269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracoxlovesxharry/pseuds/dracoxlovesxharry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tiny little ficlet inspired by Next Big Thing by earlgreytea68 and a real episode of the Colbert Report with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [earlgreytea68](https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlgreytea68/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Next Big Thing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3349583) by [earlgreytea68](https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlgreytea68/pseuds/earlgreytea68). 



> super short, super silly, but I found this gif set in my tumblr archives and it wouldn't leave me alone until i did something with it.

Arthur was really nervous about appearing on The Colbert Report. It was one of his favorite programs to watch, mainly because he shared the same brand of humor with the host. He was nervous because Stephen Colbert notoriously made the people he interviewed look ridiculous.

“Darling, it’s going to be fine. This is a great opportunity for you, yeah?” Eames soothed.

“Yeah,” Arthur mumbled. “I’m just worried he’s going to bring up the sex club thing. He always takes the most ridiculous rumors about his guests and blows them out of proportion for the sake of comedy. It’ll probably just make the rumors worse. By the end of the night I could be the next Hugh Hefner with a monthly porn magazine and one hundred boyfriends.”

“You only get to have one boyfriend, and that’s me.” Eames says seriously. He pecks Arthur’s left cheek where his dimple would be.

“If he claims you’re the next Hugh Hefner, just go with it. His audience knows it’s all satire anyway. Have a laugh about it.”

Arthur stands and straightens his suit jacket as he heads for the dressing room door. 

“Here goes nothing.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


	2. THE COLBERT REPORT INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT - ARTHUR FROM HGTV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally couldn't sleep until I wrote this. Not beta'd sorry for my terrible grammar and any other glaring mistakes. This was just a bit of fun for me.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

23:16:12 EST 

STEPHEN COLBERT: Welcome back everybody, my next guest is a real estate extraordinaire turned HGTV superstar. He began his television career on the hit HGTV series Love It or List It, soon to begin taping it’s sixth season and after skyrocketing to reality tv stardom as a celebrity judge on the design challenge show Next Big Thing, he and his partner are set to begin a new chapter in their home improvement show careers and he’s here to tell us all about it, please welcome real estate guru and all around good guy, Arthur!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS AS STEPHEN RUNS ACROSS SET TO INTERVIEW TABLE WHERE ARTHUR IS SEATED)

STEPHEN: Good to see ya.

ARTHUR: Nice to see you, sir.

STEPHEN: It’s a pleasure to have you on here.

ARTHUR: It’s a great honor to be here, I’m a big fan of your show. I think you do a service to put this out in the world so, thank you.

STEPHEN: Thank you very much! Wow.

ARTHUR: Seriously.

STEPHEN: You know what you are? You’re one of the heroes. 

ARTHUR: (laughs) Thanks, man.

STEPHEN: Now Arthur-Darling, can I call you Darling or will Eames get mad at me?

ARTHUR: Absolutely. Sure.

STEPHEN: Arthur-Darling, you started your TV career on Love It or List It. You’re a real estate agent, a celebrity design judge, as everyone knows. You’ve got Love It or List It, Next Big Thing, your new venture Property Lovers, but tell me, are you or are you not a secret sex dungeon master?

ARTHUR: (laughs) I was just talking to Eames about this in the dressing room, I knew it would be brought up, and I really hate to disappoint everyone but unfortunately the secret sex dungeon doesn’t actually exist.

STEPHEN: You just broke the hearts of millions of viewers.

ARTHUR: I know, I’m sorry.

STEPHEN: But you probably also saved a lot of right hands.

ARTHUR: (chuckles) That very well may be.

STEPHEN: Now let’s just say, hypothetically, that it did exist. Would you film the orgies, or would it be an in person only sort of thing?

ARTHUR: I think it would be something you’d have to come experience first hand, you know. It’s not a porn studio. It would be a classy establishment.

STEPHEN: There you have it folks, you’ll have to settle with using your imaginations for your masterbratory sex dungeon fantasies.

ARTHUR: Is that what does it for you then?

STEPHEN: Who me? I don’t masterbate.

ARTHUR: Oh, of course. Of course, not.

STEPHEN: You know what I like to say? Pornography masterbates to me. Okay.

(STEPHEN AND ARTHUR BOTH LAUGH)

ARTHUR: Well said. Well said.

STEPHEN: Thank you. So this is just —

ARTHUR: (Interrupts) People masturbate to me.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE. STEPHEN AND ARTHUR BOTH LAUGH)

STEPHEN: You should put that on a business card.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, ARTHUR LAUGHING)

STEPHEN: Ok but really have you seen any kind of negative backlash from these rumors? Twitter has seemingly taken the rumor and run with it. Tell me, have you heard from Sebatian Stan?

ARTHUR: (still laughing) No, no Sebastian Stan but we did get kind of a weird email from some guy claiming to be Chris Evans, but that’s all I can really say about that.

STEPHEN: (chuckles) Good to know. Good to know. Alright back to why your really here though. So this new show, Property Lovers has you traveling a bit more, yes?

ARTHUR: Yeah, actually it took quite a bit of work to get it up an running, you know. I mean, it’s all boring stuff really but, for example, different cities and states have different realtor requirements so we had to kind of pick and choose where we were going to film to make sure I was properly licensed and all, but it’s been a lot of fun exploring new areas.

STEPHEN: And what about Eames then, what is he up to during the housing search?  

ARTHUR: Well, the whole breakdown of the show really is, we find first time home buyers, and find them a place that maybe doesn’t have all of their must-haves, but is easily remodeled and then Eames sweeps in and works his magic to make it their dream home. So in the end the new homeowners get a quality home with everything on their wish lists for a fraction of what they’d have to pay for a move-in ready home, and we’ve been all over the country which is exciting.

STEPHEN: Ok, so you find the home, Eames works his design magic and boom, happy homeowners. There’s got to be some issues though, right?

ARTHUR: Well, yeah, of course there are. I mean, for me it’s hard sometimes to convince these couples to shell out what equates to their life savings on a home which on the surface looks completely inhabitable, and then for Eames — well — I know the audience has seen it on Love It of List It, but when it comes to renovations, a lot can go wrong. I’ve been working with him for over five years now, though and he’s yet to miss a single deadline and always leaves our couples with something incredible.

STEPHEN: You’ve been working with Eames for five years now, and romantically involved for four. Actually, you just recently got engaged, right?

ARTHUR: (blushes and smiles) Yeah, we did.

STEPHEN: Congratulations to the both of you on that.

ARTHUR: Thank you very much, I’m very happy.

STEPHEN: So tell me is it difficult living and working with your significant other? Do you ever get time to yourselves? Are there ever days when you just want to get away from each other?

ARTHUR: Oh we still have our time apart. I’m not always on site for the construction, but I love being able to work with Eames. It’s amazing working with him and being able to see all of the amazing things that he creates. 

I say it a lot, but I sort of fell in love with his designs before I fell in love with him. You walk into one of his rooms and you just get this feeling, you know? That room wants you to be there. Whether it’s a kitchen asking you to come in and cook, or a living room inviting you to come in and relax. 

For me, every room he designs feels a little bit like coming home. Because I guess for me — especially with all of the traveling recently — Eames is home. 

So no, we don’t have any issues working together, quite the opposite, in fact. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t work with him. I’d probably be really bored. I love it. I love being with him and watching him work, and watching his visions come to life. He’s my best friend, and I’m incredibly lucky — I think — to get the opportunity to see him and work with him every day.

STEPHEN: (mimes wiping tears from his eyes) That was beautiful man, just beautiful.

ARTHUR: (blushes and ducks his head) Yeah, well.

STEPHEN: The new show premieres next Thursday on HGTV?

ARTHUR: Yes, next Thursday at seven o’clock eastern time.

STEPHEN: You’ll let me know if you ever hear from Sebastian Stan, right?

ARTHUR: (laughs) Sure. As soon as he calls.

STEPHEN: Well Arthur it was great having you on the show with me. Arthur and Eames’ new show Property Lovers airs next Thursday night at seven o’clock on HGTV, don’t forget to check your local listings. We’ll be right back after this.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)


End file.
